The Kingdom of Thorns

[knightofcups]

I feel tired and overwhelemed and my brain is angry.

A fair bit of this is coming into a long period of enforced downtime where I'll be out of work, and a lot of it is that there's just a LOT of stuff going on.

But it sucks.

I want to go to bed for like a month.

[knightofcups]

Huh. Just remembered something I had forgotten about, and that with my actual self-esteem and worth and understanding is totally different now.

After ex-husband's and my wedding and reception (which was late afternoon/late lunch time), we invited all the people our age over to our house for an after-party basically.

We invited our friends, and my sister and cousins, and some other family members.

My friends came.

Every one of my family members had a party at the hotel they were all staying in.

They took all the leftover food (and cake) with them, and ate it at the party.

They didn't even tell us they were having the party, or taking the food.

I found out about it the next day, because my sister was too hung over to come to the brunch we were having.

Looking at this with today's brain?? WHAT THE FUCK?

They didn't even tell us they were doing anything. I found out only because a) I couldn't find any leftovers and b) my sister and her boyfriend didn't show up the next day to say goodbye.

[Fetian]

What the actual fuck

[knightofcups]

That /is/ pretty weird and awful, right?

[Fetian]

It's unbelievable

[knightofcups]

At the time, it made me sad, but I was thinking well, they hadn’t had the whole family together like that in a while, so it’s not like I could blame them or anything, and I was being too sensitive because we had our own party too.

Looking at it now… it’s just really kind of awful.

[knightofcups]

the stuff that has been going on with getting these tests done for the monday surgery is a lot, and has very much tipped me out of my head into other types of brains and i think i'm ok with letting that be what it is right now. i don't want to fight it, even though i am pretty far removed from my body and self right now

i'm not freaking out really, and i don't feel like i'm breaking, but this is the first time in a while i've been this kind of outside myself. this is one of the "sitting two inches behind my own right shoulder" things. it's not bad, but very distant. i know i /could/ put myself back in my body. or, i think i could at least. but i don't think i want to use the energy to do that that it would take. for a few reasons.

something that i've noticed as i've been doing more therapy is that i have less desire to shove myself back into a "functional" selfstate when i'm upset. italked to my therapist about it last night. it isn't that i want to sit in an emotion and feel sad or something, its that i want to actually honor the emotion and the self of the emotion and let them have the feeling and actually hear and listen to it rather than teling it to be quiet and small and leave me alone.

there was a lot of stuff at therapy last night. a lot of it is around the fact that being nurtured and care-taken is scary to me. we were able to talk a little about why, but i don't think i'm ready to talk about that here, especially not in this brainspace. but she told me some stuff that was really useful, and i want to think about and maybe internalize.

there are all sorts of meanings and things i could draw from how i feel right now and i could evaluate it all more, but i'm too floaty to really want to. i am going to let myself drift for a little while now.

[knightofcups]

i am struggling so hard right now with textual misophonia/words i read making me want to tear my hair out.

i am going to start a list of these because i want to give them to my therapist in hope we can /do something/ about this. it is really awful. up to the level of gross out that my "do gross things" intrusive thoughts give me.

observation, while thinking these out-- they are many/most related to eating. but i'm sure that doesn't mean anything

words.

bite
gulp
sip
plate
mooch
habits

i'm also noticing that words that are normally very synesthetically nice for me (specifically 'snap') is feeling uplesant right now.

here's to getting back to journaling.

[knightofcups]

Alive. Sore. Less 3.5 organs. Tired. So much sleep.

Trying hard to sleep, eat, sleep more, and drink lots of water. I imagine this will get old fast, but for tonight it’s very nice.

Actually going to need to think about the fact that I literally cannot get pregnant, and that I had organs removed, at some point. Not in any bad way, just a think I need to think about. But not now.

More sleep.

[knightofcups]

Something I really wish is that I could express to people (and they could hear) how /happy/ being trans makes me.

Not just transitioning, but the actual thing itself.

I feel silly talking about it, because it sounds like… I don’t know, being in love with an identity or… something. I don’t know.

Transitioning itself, that’s amazing. Just. Amazing. I can look at myself in the mirror and /love/ how I look. I can just exist in my body. It doesn’t feel too gross or too much or. I can just. Not wear clothes! I really LIKE not wearing clothes! It’s so weird!

But more than that, just… being this, knowing this is who I am and it’s a Real Thing? It makes me /happy/.

I know /why/ there’s been all this stuff in me. I know why I felt this way. It has been explained and answered and solved. I don’t have to just wonder and wonder what’s /wrong/ with me. I know what it is. And it’s not /wrong/. It’s just who I am.

Would I rather not be? I don’t know. If not being trans meant I felt /wrong/ all the time, but in other ways? No, I wouldn’t rather. I’d rather have this understandable, knowable thing I can change. If I were just… ok, with my gender, either way? I’d be cool with that! To just not have the issues at all? Yeah, that’d be cool. But if it’d just be me with other brainstuff and wrong feelings? Nah, I’ll keep this.

I can’t really imagine my life any other way, though, so it’s kind of a pointless exercise.

The point is that I wish people could hear and understand how /happy/ I am now, how happy I am knowing who and what i am.

I know that the awful people won’t hear it even if I said it. I know I /can’t/ explain it well enough because they don’t want to understand it.

But I wish I could, so much. I wish they could feel the /joy/ of this.