The Kingdom of Thorns

[knightofcups]

Observation:
Since I had my uterus and ovaries removed, my ambient mood has been /way/ up, and I’ve felt happy and light and JOYFUL.

I don’t know if this is because of changed hormones, or time off work, or a really good rest that I’ve needed for a while, or most likely a combo of all of them, but it’s been very apparent.

I’m so curious to see where my chemistry will go

[knightofcups]

Today was also a good day.

I’m really sore all over, like I did a bunch of heavy work, which I didn’t. But I had really bad dreams all night which I think had me lay all tense.

The nightmares were long and involved but thr end involved gender affirmation surgery and it was weird and convoluted.

I’m meeting with my doctor in a couple days, so I’m going to ask about increasing my nightmare meds, I’m back up to several days a week now.

Also, therapy restarts tomorrow! Which, it’s bizzare that I’m excited about?

Bed early tonight. I’m very tired, even though I took a nap too.

Am only 2 weeks out from surgery. Am only 2 weeks out from surgery.

Also, I’ve noticed a lot of brain tranquility because i have /time/ before I have to be back at work. I don’t have to hurry myself. It’s been very very good for my brain. I think I’ve been burnt out by a lot of things in a lot of ways, and this downtime is doing me a lot of good.

Also, the difference in how relaxed I feel now versus after top surgery is amazing.

[knightofcups]

Unexpected post-surgery thing I didn’t see mentioned anywhere, that is quite uncomfortable.

TMI-ish discussion of body sensations

If I go to long without peeing, and my bladder gets full, it like…. Puts pressure on various sore spots? So it doesn’t hurt to pee, but it hurts to need to pee? I will be glad when that bit is over.

[knightofcups]

Complicated nightmares/stress dreams all night. They were all over the place, but ended up where I had planned and organized this entire Event that it turned out the actions of the dream were (a search for someone, avoiding fae intervention and traps basically). It was a big LARP event that I’d created.

Except they changed it so they all got to play I was the one going through it, which no one told me.

And then it ended, and everyone was leaving, and I was just dead exhausted, but I couldn’t find my car and no one would give me a ride home. I kept asking everyone, but no one had seen my car, and they all said I should have thought to plan for a ride and I was so /tired/.

It finished with my dad showing up, and me just giving up entirely and throwing myself at him and just sobbing with exhaustion and that no one cared.

Woke up crying, and sad that dad doesn’t care either.

Plan is to either go back to sleep, or eat then go back to sleep. Taking today down. Body needs rest.

[knightofcups]

I’d stopped doing my SAD light because I’d been doing ok, and it was getting light. But the past week or so has been so grey I’ve been crashing absurdly hard and not really waking up.

So I pulled the glasses back out today. They only had about 10 minutes in them, but I did that at almost six, so I am still awake.

Going to start the day with tomorrow. Hopefully will help the mood stuff I’ve been having.

Though, since I know a fair bit is nerves about surgery Tuesday, maybe it won’t.

Will be glad to be through that because I am in waiting mode and it sucks.

Sleep now, I hope.

[erikavonkaiser]

Have you had good results with SAD lights, then? I was thinking about getting one next year either to have at my desk in the morning or just to keep at my work desk. Any recommendations or things to look out for?

(also good thoughts @ you for surgery <3)

[knightofcups]

It's helped a lot!! This is my... 6th? year using a light through winter and it's a noticable change. I started out using a light box, but this year got light glasses, which is nice because I can wear them while I make dinner.

They say to use them in the morning, but for me, personally, it's most helpful to use in the evening, because my big problem is falling asleep as soon as the sun goes down. So I do about a 1/2 hour in the evenings after work from like.... October/November through February/March depending.

I got the light that Erik recommended, but he did a bunch of research. I can find the box light he recommended if you like. It's kind of big, but only something lik $100, very very worth it. The glasses arent quite as effective IMHO, and they look very silly, but it was hard to be stuck in the same place for a half hour every evening in winter.

[Fetian]

I'll chime in and say that what you're looking for in a SAD lamp will also depend on what's causing your SAD (/whatever reason you have for wanting a sun lamp). AFAIK ash has "legitimate" SAD-caused-by-sun-vitamin-deficiency or something like that, whereas I just can't wake up properly without light in the sun's spectrum range, so a dinky little lamp that imitates sunlight works fine for me but wouldn't for him

[knightofcups]

There’s a thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and Technomancer just sent me that helped me focus some of those thoughts.

Going to just cut and paste from discord for now.
—-
Thanks for sending these, it’s given me some labguage for stuff that I am aware of happening but wasn’t quite sure what was going on— specifically, I feel like I’m being more autistic as I get healthier, when it seems like I should be less because I’m doing better, right?

But this makes sense— I’m masking less, not just functioning on anxiety and trauma response. So rather than just go through all interactions with this scripted dialog, I’m actually interacting with them authentically

I’ve been seeing it in myself and worried I was… I don’t know, trying to look cute or quirky. But so much if it is just letting authentic responses through
—-

Basically, I’ve felt like I’m getting a lot less good at social stuff, reading faces, picking up on context, all the stuff I used to be really proud of my good abilities in.

But I’m realizing I did that through constant, frantic, anxious hyper vigilance.

especially around the Freehold, i don’t have to be on all the time, and constantly monitoring myself and working this all out.

I just worry it’ll come across like I’m… I don’t know. Getting lazy.

Anyway. Stuff to think about.

[knightofcups]

My bottom surgery referral got approved.

I’ve been thinking about that.

Anatomical discussion, maybe tmi.
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I’ve realized it isn’t so much that I want to have a penis. Sure, I mean, yeah, that’d be cool, and I’d /prefer/ it, but I don’t feel too terrible without.

What it is is that I’d like to /not/ have a vulva/vagina.

They don’t gross me out or anything. On other people they’re a little confusing, but not /bad/. (I’m not entirely sure what you’re supposed to /do/ with them, but that’s a matter of learning really).

But on /me/…

Again, it’s not /gross/, I’d just… rather not?

The idea that I could not have one anymore? I’d strongly prefer that.

That’s why meta is a good fit. It gives me shut more f the stuff I’d like, gets rid of the stuff I’d rather not.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking about it.