The Kingdom of Thorns

[knightofcups]

Migraining off and on, but I re-shaved my hair today, and I just really, really like how I look, and that’s super neat.

Also got my pretty compression gloves, which was also neat.

[knightofcups]

I do not like myself at all right now, and it is a struggle not to sabotage things.

[knightofcups]

I almost never drink anymore.

I went through a period, when I was with Tall Blue Man that I was drinking every night just to get through. After I left him, I still drank a fair bit for a while, but it decreased over time. It ended up being a migraine trigger, and I stopped entirely for a couple years. Now I have a beer here and there, and very, very rarely drink to excess. “Excess” now, though, is a very, very low bar where I get buzzed and then am done.

It’s nice to have the security to know I can just, not drink. But it’s nice to be able to too, sometimes.

Tonight is a sometimes night.

I warned the other members of the Freehold I would be, and it’s been honestly very pleasant. Made dinner, watched tv, played video games. And right now, I’m sitting at the pool in the dark, with my feet in the water, just enjoying the night.

It’s beautiful out. Just pleasantly cool, nice to have my feet in water. Loud, because we live by a fairly busy street, but normal loud.

It’s been hard, lately, to exist. So much has happened that have made me mad at myself. But tonight it feels nice, and I’m glad to be here.

I’m going to sit a little longer then get up, go in, and poke mek more before it’s bedtime.

This week was a million years long, but life seems to be settling back into normal, and I’m very glad for it.

[knightofcups]

(I get very, very concerned about consent when I drink, which honestly tells me a lot about what happened in the times where I didn’t exist and don’t have memories.)

[knightofcups]

I expected to have a low-grade hangover today, but quite pleasantly, I didn’t! A bit low mood, but that’s as much other stuff as drinking.

Spent most of the day deeply hyper-focused on a graphic design fan project for a show I’m into right now, but was able to pull myself out when I noticed I was getting so deep I was not getting up to fill my water, and just generally getting out of sorts about things. Which was also pretty cool, and I’m proud of me.

Threw dye on my hair in the afternoon, because I’ve been generally displeased with the look lately, but I’m not sure how it turned out yet. (I rinsed it out and everything, but then put in my deep conditioner and tied it in a soft twist to let it do some good, so I won’t see the real color till tomorrow.)

I feel like today was mostly a rest day, but thinking about it I got a ton of chores done, plus a bunch of work, plus spent like an hour in the pool in the sun.

I have a confused relationship with the sun. I love it, but more than the tiniest bit of exposure is very bad for me. That said, with sun screen etc I’ve done pretty ok this year, especially given that I pretty much live without a shirt when I’m home (holy shit that is still so cool and I love it.)

I meant to go to bed earlier, but got caught up watching silly videos, so it’s later than I wanted but not by much.

Have some yard stuff to do tomorrow (including the actual deep water of my boganvillea which I forgot to do properly today) and then mek and I are having a low-key date-type-thing at a store we’ve both wanted to check out, and another store that’s weird and fun.

But now, sleep.

[knightofcups]

Had another dream last night where I was out somewhere, and needed to leave, but couldn’t get my ride to take me. I’ve been doing better with these dreams because my mind knows Lyft exists now, but my subconscious decided since it was Halloween, the police weren’t letting them run. So I was going to call dad, but then realized I didn’t have his phone number, and then that even if I did he was in New York not where I was.

Sucked

[knightofcups]

I've been just excessively tired, lately. More than I should be for what I'm doing. I think I'm either overdoing it somewhere, or something is taking a toll on my body that I don't recognize as a thing that's happening. I've found that is a thing that I do-- just not realize something is using my energy to manage, because I'm so used to dealing with it.

I need to journal at some stuff, and think about it. I'm dealing with the fallout from the nuclear internet explosion, and I need to look at it a bit more closely and see how I can move through and past.

I also have a reproductive health appointment on Wednesday morning, which I'm quietly having intense anxiety about. it's with my normal GP so that's cool, she's chill, and has been seeing me since before I transitioned, and I quite like her, but this kind of thing triggers SA trauma as well as the inevitable gender bullshit so.

But I really just don't feel like putting time and energy toward doing it right now. So I am not going to.

[knightofcups]

I intended to come home today and work on Identity, but I basically just made dinner and now I am ready for bed.

Sigh.

[knightofcups]

Stuff that happened lately has gotten me to evaluate who I am and who I want to be. And I think I want to be a different self.

Not a new self, just a different one.

I’ve been thinking about what I value and what I do and what I want to value and do. There’s been a lot that’s made me realize I want to stand up for those values much better than I have.

I think this ties into my quasi-religious beliefs which I need to decide if I want to talk about here. I may make a specific filter that is just for that.

If that is a filter that would interest you, please let me know.

I want to think about this in writing tomorrow.

[knightofcups]

  Hidden text. You are not a member of the groups to which this text is available