The Kingdom of Thorns

[knightofcups]

christ. i hate so much situations where i go in feeling like i have a perfectly reasonable and valid suggestion/complaint/idea/request for change and end up coming out feeling like i've been being unreasonable, selfish, and like the thing i brought up was pointless in the first place. that's what's going on right now. the thing i brought up wasn't even for /me/. it was to highlight someone /else's/ work. but i came out of the conversation appologizing for the selfishness i was demonstrating.

it feels... i mean, i know "gaslighting" isn't the right word here. but it feels a lot like stuff with Tall Blue Man where i'd come in thinking i have this really legitimate point, and then we talk, and i end up really confused, and come out feeling uncertain, and insecure, and doubting that the thing was worth bringing up at all. like this conviction i come in with is twisted all around, and becomes something completely unreasonable.

right now, i'm wondering why i thought this even mattered, or was worth bringing up, much less bringing up more than once. it's fine, the creator says its fine, he isn't asking for anything else, we're releasing his product with enough attention, why was it even bothering me that we did it this way?

there's that particular kind of Guy Approach where they lay out what you said in this rational, logical way, but it somehow makes what you said sound so ridiculous and silly and trivial. and i end up feeling so /silly/ for it even mattering. where when you start, it feels important, like you're doing something Good or Helpful or Right, but at the end it just looks like this tiny, stupid thing that you were just blowing out of proportion and why do you care.

and this probably is one of those things????

i think in a lot of cases, it's not the /thing itself/. it's that there's so much more /around/ the thing. it's not that he put your fancy knife in the dishwasher. it's that he didn't listen to anything you said, and doesn't take care of your property, and uses your things without asking and then ruins them. but when you're done talking, you feel like an idiot, because it's just a knife and it didn't actually do any damage.

[Fetian]

(It is important context that this is reminding you of Tall Blue Man in particular, and that this perhaps has more to do with how you're reacting than any reality of the situation now)

[knightofcups]

while part of me is aware that this is the case, it also makes me feel even more stupid for caring at all.

[knightofcups]

i do not like myself at all right now.

[knightofcups]

my throat hurts, i'm tired, and i hate everything. very glad i get to go home in 2 minutes

[knightofcups]

I am sick. Not Covid, per the test I took, but still I feel gross. Had to cancel plans today. Will likely do very little this weekend. Sigh.

[knightofcups]

My brain is spinning up to do the bad thing with words and sounds. I’ve been feeling it coming for a couple days and hoped if I just tried to push through it wouldn’t be too bad. But it’s ramped up enough that I’ve had to ask people to censor some words and they’re still repeating in my head and I feel gross. I need to figure out a technique to manage this because it feels disgusting and so does my face and mouth and body

[knightofcups]

I generally minimize drinking alcohol, much less drinking to excess, but the world feels surreal right now and my brain is trying very hard not to break and my therapist is now on maternity leave and the person I’ve been referred to only has space on Saturdays which turns my weekend into Work and frankly I just want to curl up and have everything stop, and I’m trying to pretend that isn’t the case but mostly I feel like everything either is crashing down or about to, and that is nothing at all I can do. And also, it’s 107 here and our AC barely works, and I am, in the back of my head, thinking about all the unhoused people and people without cooling or shelter that will either be miserable or very literally die and it makes me so afraid and feel so useless and weak for not being able to do anything at all.

I am trying so hard not to spiral out but I am afraid for everyone, and also my joints all hurt, and there’s just nothing I can /do/ except lose my spaces online and watch people die.

[knightofcups]

brain has decided it’s time to melt down. a lot of reasons for this and I don’t really want to go into any of them.

not sure I want to attempt to pull myself out of it, honestly.

I just feel like lately I’ve been kind of coasting from one low-key freak out to another. there’s probably work I could do toward ending this, but I’ve also just been so /tired/ lately. tired, and my whole body hurting a lot of the time.

part of me hopes this is some kind of illness, because at least that would have a cause and isn’t just me being weary (and lazy).

I feel like there has to be something I can do. Everything just seems /wrong/ right now.

It might be time to consider this is chemical depression and check in with my gp

[knightofcups]

Do you ever wonder how many of the things you remember from your childhood as “adventures” of “make believe” or pretending some game you were playing with your parents were, in fact, adults hiding they didn’t have anything else to feed you?

I think about this a lot.