The Cracked Mug v 2.0

[erikavonkaiser]

After talking it over with involved parties I went ahead and cancelled my vacation, unfortunately. I had planned to go into Minneapolis for Pride and see Masque, Val, and Greggo (along with bringing Sophie and Baby Dog with me) but if I take the time I need to heal, I won't have enough PTO for all that noise. I was just going to go back into work early, but today I woke up and had to almost crawl to the bathroom because I was still in so much pain, so even I can't ignore that I need rest.

I hate it! I am bad at resting! I feel gross and immobile and tired and grumpy! Or maybe I'm hungry, who knows because my abdomen hurts too much to tell!

tantrum tantrum tantrum

Anyways, I started a new Skyrim save file because it's my comfort game and it's also easy to play while I'm in pain and do not have much brain power. I'm gonna take a shower, eat a snack (because I think???? I need food???), and then probably play that a little bit more.

bodies r dumb

[Fetian]

That sucks! I'm sorry it's not working out. I hope the pain gets better as soon as possible

[erikavonkaiser]

ow ow o9uch

[erikavonkaiser]

BOY I'm strugglin' today

I woke up in a lot less pain, which is good! But the absence of pain meant that I could tell just how physically uncomfortable I am; the pain was, in a lot of ways, easier to manage. This morning I was excruciatingly nauseous and generally unwell-feeling, and my stomach is still bloated and just ijgoiahaoigsbdgrsh UNCOMFY

I've played a bunch of Elden Ring and Skyrim to try and distract myself, to the point that I'm now a bit looking-at-screens grumpy, but I'm not sure what else to do because my only options are to do things that require sitting relatively still. I am bad at that! I hate it! I'm frustrated and cooped-up and tired of sleeping and resting and I'm throwing a bit of a tantrum about it! I have used my walking treadmill on-and-off throughout the day to keep myself from going totally bonkers, but I can only manage a few minutes at a time.

I'm not sure what to do. I know lingering in grumpiness is no good, but normally to break out of a funk like this I'd go on a nice long run or something and I, cannot. I am thinking I should push myself to use creative brain rather than keep using video game brain. Maybe I can put on a movie or a good background YouTube and work on some writing? That would let me lay down on the bed and be relatively still, and while I think it'll be a bit of a struggle to use creative brain it might be a struggle that wears me out in a good way instead of in a frustrating one.

Okay, we'll try that. I know this is just something I have to withstand until my body heals, but I am frankly a giant baby about having to rest and hold still and, honestly? I get scared when my body doesn't function the way I want, because I live by myself. Even in the emergency room I was like oh god if I need surgery or have to stay in-patient I'll have to figure out someone to take care of Baby Dog, what am I gonna do, etc. Makes me nervous! I just feel miserable and vulnerable and gross and I'm tired of being tired.

[erikavonkaiser]

Around 6 PM yesterday I started to feel notably better, which is good! Today I'm nausea-free and the harder parts of the physical discomfort seem to have passed. I'm actually going to return to work today, mostly because if I stay cooped up in my apartment for another day I'll explode (although I think I would actually enjoy the day off, today, since I don't feel like absolute hot garbage, but whevs I'm not made of PTO and need to get back to work if I'm able).

Last night since I was feeling better Sophie and I played a video game together:

It was really fun! It's about $6 on Steam currently and is unique amongst the co-ops I've personally played in that your games do not connect to each other in any traditional way (you don't join a party/team/in-game group/etc.), you literally just both play the game at the same time, choosing either Past or Future, and there are a few check-ins to make sure your progress is synced. The plot was weird and vaguely spooky in ways I found enjoyable! I think if it had tried to actually explain things more I would've liked it less, but it's very take-it-at-face-value which worked for me in this case. I think we cleared it in about 1.5hrs and that was without being in a huge hurry, and I definitely wouldn't mind playing it again with a different role (I was the Past, this time). Apparently you can change the puzzles by selecting a different option in the initial set-up, too!

Anyways, I recommend it if you've got someone you'd like to clear a weird puzzle game with.

[erikavonkaiser]

also wow does a sudden illness really bring out the toxic "you're not being productive so you have no value" feelings, huh

[Fetian]

The other Rusty Lake games are also very fun to play with someone else, though the overarching plot of the whole thing might be too weird for you. But I think they have at least one other free game and it might be a good time to 'what the fuck' at it with Sophie while working through the puzzles together! (Definitely recommend Hotel, the cube series, and Paradox for you, over the others)

[erikavonkaiser]

The other Rusty Lake games are also very fun to play with someone else, though the overarching plot of the whole thing might be too weird for you. But I think they have at least one other free game and it might be a good time to 'what the fuck' at it with Sophie while working through the puzzles together! (Definitely recommend Hotel, the cube series, and Paradox for you, over the others)

Yeah I don't know if I could handle a whole lot weirder than this one was, I have never been able to get the brain-hang of things that get too abstract. My tolerance may be a little higher when I'm playing with someone vs. when I'm playing by myself, though.

I'll definitely check your recommendations out! I enjoyed playing through this one and how it was set up to communicate back-and-forth with your partner. There were a couple of times we had to define if we prefer describing directions of things in compass directions, clock face, etc., and it was interesting.

[erikavonkaiser]

Okay, about time to leave for work. Hopefully it doesn't hurt too much!

I'm also in a really weird mood I'm having trouble defining; it may be loneliness, I'm not certain. I feel really untethered and unsure of myself.

[erikavonkaiser]

I pinpointed that a lot of my issue was being, genuinely, a bit untethered! I've had a lot of events/plans get cancelled or had unpleasant things happen lately so I'm in a position where I don't have any events/visits/girlfriend time/etc. planned. It feels like I don't have anything to "work towards," for lack of a better way to put it, when it comes to my personal/social life brain. So I've started making some other plans and that alleviated a lot of the issue. I've also prioritized a few projects and am trying to figure out a way to track the time I spend writing; I want to start treating it like a genuine part-time job and I feel like some manner of clocking in/out for it might help. I'm realizing this sounds like gross capitalism but I just mean in terms of taking it seriously and spending genuine weekly time on it. At the same time, though, I'm not sure if using an entirely separate program/app will add too many steps and put me off doing the thing sometimes.

I dunno! I'll think about it! I am open to suggestion, I know there's some ADHD folks who have The Wisdoms when it comes to task-tracking.