Re: The Kingdom of Thorns
Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2022 4:15 am
I have been having a ton of vivid, storyline dreams lately. Varying from action adventure stress to annoying stress. Not bad, but not restful.
It’s frustrating.
I have been having a ton of vivid, storyline dreams lately. Varying from action adventure stress to annoying stress. Not bad, but not restful.
It’s frustrating.
PT referral denied. Guy isn't contracted. They have Sutter people that do the same service.
The fact that they don't have appointments at times I can attend doesn't matter, they have the appointments.
I am not able to handle trying to do more about this at this point, though I will have to again in the future. I am in a steady, low-to-moderate level of pain, with occational spikes up into "a lot."
It is very tiring. I feel very tired and like I want to cry.
I twisted my left wrist today, somehow, so it's quite painful at the moment, and with the weather, my finger joints just hurt all the time right now.
I was having some small hope that my hands might get better, but I think I might need to just kind of accept that this is how things are going to be.
I'm not abdicating doing anything about it at all, ever. And I'm still going to wear braces and gloves and stuff. But I don't think I can really start hoping for change or improvement.
This makes me tired. It is challenging when my hands hurt and I have to hold them just so when I do things so it doesn't get worse.
I am, unfortunately, not able or willing to pay out of pocket for the treatment I would need. I do not think that one session would be of much use, and even if it is, it's coming up on $200 for it. I do not want to pay that, and I do not want to try something that is unlikely to be beneficial with just one attempt. That's worse than doing nothing, to me, unfortunately.
I know I will be less fatalistic later, but right now I am tired and unhappy, and my hands hurt.
I am, again, finding myself wish I'd just get COVID so I could /stop/ for a while.
I'm not actually overloaded, and even if I were, getting sick wouldn't actually let me stop, I'd just be overloaded AND sick. I just wish I could abdicate responsibility for myself for a while.
I've got help with the house and life, and the loved ones are taking care of so much, and I can ask them when I need things, and that's wonderful.
Most of this is health-related. I just feel like I'm endlessly pushing up hill but there isn't actually any top to reach. It's hard not to want to just get really, really sick so someone will take care of my body and /do/ something about all the various pains I'm trying to deal with.
And I shouldnt' even say this stuff, because other people are in a whole lot more pain than me on a regular basis. Mine's low-level and I can mostly ignore it and do things anyway. It's just tiring because it's all-the-time even if it's low level.
Talking about my weird brainstuff
I have now had 2 weeks of therapy with the new person, and it is really, really promising.
We're doing something called Internal Family Systems as a theraputic approach, and it's going to take a lot of self-examination and... probably talk about weird stuff.
I'd like to talk about what's going on, and what we're doing, but it's going to be kind of weird, fairly personal, and might not be stuff people want to see?
I'm going to journal about it regardless, and... it's weird and vain and stuff I guess, but I like that people /could/ see it? That is, I like journaling in a place where it /can/ be accessible if people want to read it?
I guess what I'm saying is is this something people would be ok with me doing here? If so, would people want to read it? I'm for sure locking it down to it's own specific filter, and making its own thread, but i don't want to be TOO weird in a public space.
Please advise.
It bothers me a lot to not know if people I associate with on social media or in discord servers actually like me, or if they just havent' bothered to block me.
It bothers me a lot that I can't be sure I'm not just in a place where everyone is too polite to tell me to leave.
Today I’m proud of myself for no longer putting up with bullshit, and being willing to remove people from my life that make me feel bad.
Brain just flipped a "I am super insecure and worrying I am bothering everyone all the time" switch and I am not a fan.
I was thinking about something just now.
Sex related, not specifically about any sex acts or anything, but /is/ about my sex life in general terms. Spoilering just in case.
So, it’s actually not hard to /not/ pressure people or guilt them for not having sex with you, even if you want sex?
I know this is sort of a no-brainer? Like, sure, you shouldn’t guilt or pressure someone?
But with the Biologist, there was constant pressure to have more sex, to have different sex. I /always/ felt like I was letting him down. I was always guilty and ashamed. And I just figured well, that’s how it is, if you want less sex your partner will just guilt you and they have the right to because you’re not living up to your responsibility.
But see, I don’t feel that way at all??
For a variety of reasons, I’m not able to have as much inter-personal sex right now as I want/would like. And yeah, ok, sure, I want more interactive stuff. But like… I have not, at any point, felt like it would be ok to guilt or shame my partners???? Mention it sometimes, in the sense of checking in, seeing where they’re at, expressing where I’m at, and being clear with my desire so they feel wanted, but not… pressured??
And that isn’t difficult???
And tonight I started thinking… how come the Biologist made it my fault? How come he didn’t just try to make me feel wanted, and be open about desire, but also not make it shameful or bad that I wasn’t there yet? How come he couldn’t just /chill/ and take care of himself?
In his defense, me then couldn’t have set aside my own anxiety such that it would have been ok, I was too messed up, but he could have /not/ and that would have helped a lot.
Im just realizing that I’m not struggling at all with making any of this a my partners problem??? It’s just how bodies and brains are, and we’ve got our whole lives together so it’s not a /thing/. And how come he made me feel so awful about it, like I was wronging him???
It’s not like that at all, on the other side of the thing, and he should be ashamed of making me feel bad.
Ridiculous amounts of headache. Going to work tomorrow in the hopes it will distract me.
Have thoughts I want to put down about my stuff and some other people posts and just can’t.
Tried all weekend to pretend I didn’t have a headache or it was less than it was. Marginally successful but now I feel like I want to die and my head is splitting open.