ELSEWHERE

I'm really angry right now.

Honestly, the degree of anger is excessive, and out of proportion with the situation, I think. Even being aware of that, though, I'm still just /angry/.

Some of it is, yeah, that he's loud and messy and really fucking attention demanding. But I think the big thing is that I feel held hostage creatively, now.

I /can't/ end working relationships with people on my end, especially not so soon, because it will just look like i'm driving everyone away. I'm in this position where I'm stuck with poor choices I made before, that I didn't know were poor choices, because I can't be seen to have weaknesses, or to look like I'm shitty to work with.

Most of this is my fault. I /did/ make those choices, and they weren't fantastic ones. But I didn't /know/ that at the time. I had some things I suspected weren't great, but even that....

And I feel like I'm being held to this fucking /impossible/ standard. I feel like I'm being asked to never make mistakes, and to know the outcomes of things so far before they happen. I feel like I have to be endlessly friendly and accomodating, and bend over backward for everyone.

And fuck, I mean, I guess that's on me too, becuase I am choosing to make projects with others. If I just worked by myself, this wouldn't happen. And I guess this is the price you pay for working with other people. And that makes me angry too, I guess, but at myself, because I should be smarter than this.

I don't really know when I fell into this midset that it was good to work with other people? But I have been acting like it, and that's meaning I have to face the consequences of that. Which I don't like. And I'm mad at myself for not liking it.

I'm trying not to fall into this depressive "oh, I deserve it" slump, but it's honestly kind of hard becuase I /did/ invite this and /did/ start it. And I also know I'm not good at making or keeping friends, so it's kind of one of those... what did I expect, I guess.

It all just... I feel stuck, and angry, and my feelings are still really hurt, and I want there to be /consequences/ for people other than me for being assholes.

And it sucks and hurts me how many people are still willing to work with, but more, be /friends with/ people who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy.

Obviously, I didn't expect anyone to kick anyone out of their spaces, but it still sucks seeing it reinforced that they're just as friendly as they were with these people /after/ they tried to torpedo everything I've made. I especially am angry about the person who pulled her FINISHED project from a thing, and is still being treated by people in that thing like she's just totally fine. It was such a fucked up thing to do, and it didn't even hurt /me/. It hurt someone else, associated with me. And people I respect(maybe) and work with are stilljust being totally socially normal with her. And the person that was just so personally insulting and cruel about /me/... that's one of the biggest reasons I'm angry with the person I'm angry with. Because he's just... like. He /saw/ the horrible, hurtful things that were said, and he's still just being friends with.

I don't understand how people can stay friends with people who have showing, outright, they are horrible people.

And I also know I have no right at /all/ to be angry about or police who people are friends with. It is just baffling to me that they're still willing to be. And I feel hurt, even though it has nothing to do with me.

I do also think I'm hitting a bit of a chemcial/hormonal low point. Will probably need to start doing lights within the next week or so. THis isn't /all/ that, but that does make it work.

I feel angry, and I want people to be angry with me and say mean things and tell me I'm right, and good, and fine, and people are being horrible and they suck a lot.

You can't dictate who other people interact with, but you sure as shit can judge them for it and choose how you interact with them based on it

I'm sorry people are such poor judges of character - like I said in chat, they're all either idiots or hypocrites, or both. They'll drift away over time, I'm sure, and I hope as that happens you are able to maintain a circle of collaborators who aren't shit.

My brain is being weird, lately.

I think some of it is that I'm already pretty deep in therapy stuff, even though it's just been 3 sessions. The last one was. A lot. I want to talk about it, I think, but I'll do that in the other thread.

ALSO, though, I realized I'd stopped taking my vitamin D by accident. The old bottle ran out and I hadn't opened the new yet. But I got back on it a couple days ago and have noticed a difference. I forget that that one does other brain stuff related to mood, rather than migraine stuff. But I'm also back on my multi vitamin which has had a positive effect on how I feel mood and body wise.

I deeply resent how much better my body feels with the supplements I take. I still tend to feel like supplements are bullshit, right? Like, moderately more legit homeopathy? But that isn't the case with everything. And what I'm taking is a bunch of peer reviewed stuff. So!

I'm trying really hard to eat properly as well. I'm struggling right now because I feel like I'm eating as much as I can, but it's not enough. The Monarch mentioned the other day that you need different amounts of food at different times. Maybe I'm adjusting into winter.

It's frustrating, though, I'm doing my best to eat as well as I can, but i'm hungry a lot of the time right now.

Which. Speaking of. I am avoiding eating right now, so I'm going to go do that. Food is /right here/

(Last therapy session was about that too. Food and eating. Will try to write about it. AFTER I eat)

Terrible terrible migraine yesterday. Wrist and hand pain today. Another fucking doctor hoop to jump through to be seen.

But therapy this week was “good” and I’m less up in the air about some stuff that had been eating at me, and my literal eating is much more on track.

And I remembered to do my light just now. The glasses seem to be ok so far? I have a thing wrong with my eye right now but that’s nothing to do with the glasses. (If I die of eye cancer though, please sue someone)

I am currently very angry. I have one big thing I ask for projects I work on, that’s stupid and irrational but also doesn’t hurt anyone else, and I’ve been very upfront that it’s irrational but also non-negotiable. And people can’t respect that this is the one god damn thing I need, and are instead making the thing the default and the fact that I don’t do the thing the “accommodation” and it is honestly enough that I am /really/ close to walking away from the project entirely. Even with how big it is, even with everything. Because I ask for /one thing/ am clear about how vital it is, and somehow that just can’t be respected.

I /know/ it’s a stupid, irrational thing. I know there’s no reason I need it. I know I should just get over it. But I am doing so much god damn work to be healthy and put together can this one stupid thing just be something I don’t have to deal with? Can they just give me the space for this, and not make me fight for it every god damn time??? It’s come up /every time/ we start recording and I’ve said the same thing /every time/ and I am tired of having to fight for that. You say I’m so useful and everything well for fuck’s sake maybe do the one thing I actually ask for for me?

I just really hate everything right now.

I don't want to find a new job. I probably won't. I'll just deal with hating my job.

Am I forgetting to take a med or something? what the hell is WRONG with me right now?

I'm not hurt because you handled your project badly. I'm hurt because you treated me like shit, and took the part of people who were saying horrible things about me. And yeah, I'm not working with you again, but that's me /personally/ because I'm generally not a horrible person who will try to dictate who other people work with.

Being angry about this does no good, because it's just kind of like being angry at pudding. I get mad, but it just sort of wobbles and melts. Nothing /useful/ comes out of it.

And now I feel like shit for being mean to someone who's just doing his best. Blah

Ok, self. I know journaling isn't really something we want to do lately, and that's fine.

Just wanted to remind you that it's ok that you don't feel like you have the ability to write anything right now. That will come back. Things won't feel impossible forever. You seem to be falling into Winter pretty badly, which makes sense, because it's dark all the time.

But it'll pass.

I lack the brain to do this now, but in therapy tonight came to the conclusion I need to make some plans for feeding myself, and will need to enlist some help with it.

So. futureSelf. Think about what kind of reminders/permission you might need to make eating easier, and do some forward planning for surgery time.

Also, think about doing a Monday shop like you do for work, but for when you're home. And think about doing something like this for the weekend on Friday morning.

I’ve been wanting to journal, but not been able to. I don’t know why to either one. Maybe tomorrow I will think about it in text.