ELSEWHERE

As it says, went to the store today and got some shopping done -- I went to a different store than usual because I needed something that the closer store doesn't stock and I was pretty sure this other one did (I was right), but it was a nice experience and I might go there more often for basics. Picked up some ingredients for a couple of dishes that I need to make for aforementioned spiritual practice, and also a bag of grapes just for me

It sprinkled a little on me while I was waiting for the train home but otherwise the weather has been lovely and great for walking in -- a little overcast, a little chilly, a little sunny. My headphones died on the way back, so I read a little on the train -- that always makes me nervous because I'm afraid of getting too into the book and missing my stop, which means I'm only sort of paying attention to what I'm reading and won't really remember it later. But it went fine

I also went to sleep at not-too-terribly-late and woke up at a decent hour, so fingers crossed I can keep that up

I've now done my chore for the day (emptied the dishwasher) and get to sit around eating grapes and watching youtube until ash gets home.

We've gotten a pretty respectable amount of rain tonight for it barely being fall

Cael's favourite game right now is carrying a wand toy in his mouth so the stick drags behind him while he tears through my room at high speeds

Sigh

Was playing with Cael in the family room and Oz was following us from a bit away, hanging back, and clearly also wanting to play with the toy, so I tried putting Cael in the bathroom for a bit so I could play with Oz, but she got freaked out by Ivy &c, and then there was a whole rigamarole of Oz wanting to hang out in the hall but several animals getting into her business, and.

It really truly breaks my heart the ways Oz's personality has changed since I've lived with ash &co. She didn't do well at dad's house, either, and staying at the first apartment -- where she did extremely well -- was not tenable, so. And I'm doing great living with ash &co. I just, wish she could be happier and healthier and I don't know what to do for her.

The kitten was probably a mistake. It was selfish. I just know she's not going to be around forever, much as I want her to, much as I hate even thinking about anything happening to her. But I also don't want her last years -- however many she has, hopefully a lot -- to be, her afraid, and unwelcome, and always on edge, and always in a bad mood, and.

She used to follow me around everywhere -- she was always at least in the same room as me, if not literally at my side. She'd walk around with her tail up, meowing at me and hanging out with me. And then I moved into a place where she wasn't welcome where I was -- where there's always a dog or a cat pushing her away and back into my room. And I can't spend all of my time in my room, so she got used to me not being around, and now she doesn't even try to follow me where-ever I go. She just waits for me to come back. And I miss her, I know I'll never have enough time with her, and it hurts to have that time limited even further and by something that hurts her.

And now she's like that in my room, too, even when Cael's gone -- out in the house or locked in a different room. But she was already unhappy, and I hoped, maybe, if I did it right, if I could find a way for her to have a friend--

But I didn't do it right. I made it worse. And I hope it gets better but,

I didn't have the option of living in a place that's good for her. I wish I did. I wish I could spend all of my time with her. I wish a lot of things.

I love her, and I worry about her.

Things will work out.

But then I had to spend some time in the kitchen tonight, and Oz spent an hour of it at my feet, watching me and meowing for treats

After a while she wandered off to be nervous in the other room, but it was nice

I don't at all want to come across like I regret moving in with ash, or moving into the current house. I love living with ash, I love this house, this environment is infinitely better for me than most alternatives, and if ash and Erik hadn't offered to let me stay with them four years ago, I would not be here now. I would not be anywhere, now.

I just wish I could do better for Oz. She, too, has saved my life, and I would do anything for her. But I don't know what anything I can do.

Also Cael just brought me a toy to play with him with