Promiseland

[Fetian]

I've started attending a local torah study over zoom, for a few reasons the chief of which is just an interest in learning about judaism. I've attended one of their meetings back when they were held in person, but couldn't attend more than once because the location is impossible to get to by public transit (none of the buses over there run on the weekends). I'd like to go in-person again when (if) they switch back to it, but it's now a bit far of a drive, too, so I'm unsure it'll be doable.

Anyway, this involves waking up at eight on weekends, which is just at the edge of how early I can wake up and not be dead all day. My circadian rhythm doesn't really go earlier than nine. I also was up late finishing off a load of laundry (late for waking up this early, on-time otherwise), so I'm going to be a bit tired all day.

Today's study was on Numbers 24, and I'm afraid I didn't get much out of it. I think I will later when I do a little more reading on it solo, but the volunteer rabbi for the day was not super great, in my opinion -- she did a lot of leading people toward specific interpretations, it felt like, and tended to shift what people were saying into more of what she wanted them to be saying. By the end of the hour I was finding it very hard to focus on the meeting and kept mentally wandering away to other things.

 
Running that last load of laundry through the dryer again, and Lee and I are going to go to the grocery store in an hour or so. I need to do more work in the garage, and I need to stab a trellis into the ground. I think that's my day, we'll see if anything else comes up.

[Fetian]

I used to be very good at sinking, in water. I was very bad at any kind of passive floating, despite everyone telling me how easy it's supposed to be. Don't know why, but I could never accomplish it.

I could, on the other hand, sit on the bottom of the pool until I needed to come up for air.

Well, I can't do that anymore. No matter how empty my lungs are, I start floating back up immediately -- but I can do all kinds of passive floating with no effort. I spend a lot of time now just floating on my back.

I don't know what the difference is, now, I spent a lot of time without access to any kind of swimming, so I don't know what's changed in my physiology that makes it easy to float now and hard to sink. But I do know, now, that the issue wasn't some lack of skill that people were berating me for not being able to acquire. I'm doing the exact same things now as I did then. It was just some fact of physics that was making it harder for me than it was for them.

[Fetian]

Today was very decent despite being much too hot outside. The AC still managed to keep it decently cool inside for most of the day, even though it don't work so good. And I got a little garage cleaning done, and installed a trellis, and swam for an hour. Got grocery shopping done and I'm still within the monthly budget. Played some video game with Lee before bed.

I was going to play a bit more of something, but I think I'm going to crash soon, instead. It is midnight, and we do have things need doing tomorrow.

[Fetian]

Lee and I are hanging shelves up in my room -- we've paused for a couple hours to charge the power drill, and we're actually only hanging one today and doing the other next weekend. But it's gone well so far and the results are looking good. I was worried about getting them installed, because the only place in my room that I have continuous wall space is along the passageway as you enter, made by the wall and my bed. So making that even more narrow is concerning, but I think it'll be alright. And it'll be nice to have more surfaces to put things on.

I also need to sand down the old shelves I stole from dad's backyard so I can hang those, but that has to wait until we find the sander.

It is another hot one and I'll probably jump back in the pool later and get another workout in. For now I'm going to sit for a while and read the internet.

[Fetian]

Tonight, I went looking around for information on the Black Crown Project. I do this every few months or so -- today I have learned that the person who was working on re-creating it is still doing so, but has discovered that the project will be much more intensive than initially believed, which one could have predicted. I also got around to downloading the original files myself and poking around in them, but while it's interesting to see the original creator's notes, it's really just not the same.

I'm itching for more content like this, like SEA WITCH -- which has been occupying a fair amount of my brain, lately. I should re-read that one, but I want new things with that tone. Stories told about foreign realities by people half-crazed from their experiences there. Stories told by people who are desperate for some kind of connection, who are desperate to find someone who speaks the same language, who are desperate to find someone who not only listens but understands.

I'm itching to make things that elicit the response I have to these stories. I wouldn't know where to begin, even if I still wrote, however.

[Fetian]

Hot one today, and brain is in energy-conservation mode. Got another Arcadia recording done earlier, and should have done more of them but computer was dying and I didn't want to bring the power cable into the other room. So, tomorrow, maybe, to finish those off. But the recording we did do went well, I got to edge the character into panic, which was fun.

Spent some time going through the entirety of the symbiosis forums and making sure all the pages are backed up on the wayback machine, not for any particular reason, just because I have the tools to do it easily and it's nice to know they're safe if anything happens to the site. That's a lot of writing that I would be devastated if anything happened to it, that isn't hosted on anything we own.

Last night I was trying to mess around with google docs on my phone and got extremely frustrated with it, and I'm thinking I might start moving stuff over here. It is not ideal for hosting writing, but it'll be good enough and I'll be able to find it and poke at it on my phone should I want to do that again.

Also started another attempt to watch Twin Peaks last night. I'm up to the fourth episode and I'm annoyed I can't find anywhere to watch it that keeps the Log Lady introductions intact, though I understand the why. So I've got a youtube playlist of those that I'm switching back and forth on, from that to the episode and back.

There's some concern about the energy bill this month, which may become a problem especially if it turns out the AC is causing it, but for now I am not worrying about it. If something has to be done, we'll do it then, and there's nothing to do before that.

Put down new ant traps. They're coming in phases, but not nearly as many at a time as they had before. Looking forward to being able to be a little less strict about food storage again, hopefully in a week they're completely gone.

One of my fingernails is long enough to make typing annoying, so I'm going to go take care of that. Be well.

[erikavonkaiser]

Last night I was trying to mess around with google docs on my phone and got extremely frustrated with it, and I'm thinking I might start moving stuff over here. It is not ideal for hosting writing, but it'll be good enough and I'll be able to find it and poke at it on my phone should I want to do that again.

I use Google Docs for all the things, as I think a lot of people do because it's free, but it is an absolute trash fire on mobile.

Can I poke your brain about what your current thoughts on writing are? Like where you stand with it, whether you're trying to get back into it or just leaving things be, etc.? Just being nosy!

[Fetian]

I use Google Docs for all the things, as I think a lot of people do because it's free, but it is an absolute trash fire on mobile.

Part of it is that I refuse to use the app, and google docs doesn't let you do shit without the app. At least I can actually read them on firefox, though, docs hated the browser I was using previously so much it would render documents a
word
at
a
time
basically

But the main frustration was that trying to go to docs.google.com would redirect me to the workspaces page, I eventually had to figure out that it wanted me to be going to drive.google.com for some reason. I hate google so much.

Can I poke your brain about what your current thoughts on writing are? Like where you stand with it, whether you're trying to get back into it or just leaving things be, etc.? Just being nosy!

I stopped writing entirely for two reasons, the first being that it just felt really unrewarding. I got tired and depressed over having no one but you and Lee read my writing, and having to try to force anyone else to do it, it just felt like, why am I bothering, if no one wants to read any of it anyway? I am very grateful to how enthusiastic you and Lee are, but it just isn't enough, and it isn't fair to expect it to be, for two people to fulfil my need for validation and praise.

The second is that after The Traumas, my brain stopped being able to make words happen. And it was frustrating and painful to try. Lately, I've been likening it to having both my hands broken -- I just don't have the dexterity to do things, and I don't know where to begin to try to regain that when it hurts so much to do even the smallest things.

That said, I have been poking my toes back into things and did get a bit written the past couple nights that I don't entirely hate.

[erikavonkaiser]

Part of it is that I refuse to use the app, and google docs doesn't let you do shit without the app. At least I can actually read them on firefox, though, docs hated the browser I was using previously so much it would render documents a
word
at
a
time
basically

But the main frustration was that trying to go to docs.google.com would redirect me to the workspaces page, I eventually had to figure out that it wanted me to be going to drive.google.com for some reason. I hate google so much.

Oh it's poop from a butt even with the app! You are braver than any US Marine for attempting it on mobile browser, sir

And re: writing that makes sense! I felt awkward and clumsy coming back to writing after I spent so many years Not, and like I had to lean into being goofy or over-the-top to disguise how ineffective and childish my attempts to tell a story were. I hope you can learn to use your hands again! I miss your stories, although definitely respect the space needed to not tell them if you're not ready, not able, or not interested. I wish creativity existed in a vacuum easier, but it's very hard (for me, anyways) to make something just for the sake of making it. I want to show it to people and I want them to put it on their mind refrigerator, and it hurts when you're craving that and just can't get it.

[knightofcups]

...after The Traumas, my brain stopped being able to make words happen. And it was frustrating and painful to try. Lately, I've been likening it to having both my hands broken -- I just don't have the dexterity to do things, and I don't know where to begin to try to regain that when it hurts so much to do even the smallest things.

That said, I have been poking my toes back into things and did get a bit written the past couple nights that I don't entirely hate.

That last makes me really happy. I miss your words so much. The way you write, and what you write, and how you write feels so good in my brain, I want more of it so badly. I also know it isn't reasonable or fair of me to push at you to write, just because I personally miss it.

The way you've written about this makes sense to me. I think you've said similar things before, but they didn't quite click the same way. Especially equating it to an injury just healing, that needs rehabilitation, and lacking the knowledge for how to begin the rehabilitation. I can get that on a more emotional level as opposed to just an intellectual one.

I really hope you find a way back to it. I love your language. Reading and engaging with it is one of my favorite things in the world.