ELSEWHERE

After talking it over with involved parties I went ahead and cancelled my vacation, unfortunately. I had planned to go into Minneapolis for Pride and see Masque, Val, and Greggo (along with bringing Sophie and Baby Dog with me) but if I take the time I need to heal, I won't have enough PTO for all that noise. I was just going to go back into work early, but today I woke up and had to almost crawl to the bathroom because I was still in so much pain, so even I can't ignore that I need rest.

I hate it! I am bad at resting! I feel gross and immobile and tired and grumpy! Or maybe I'm hungry, who knows because my abdomen hurts too much to tell!

tantrum tantrum tantrum

Anyways, I started a new Skyrim save file because it's my comfort game and it's also easy to play while I'm in pain and do not have much brain power. I'm gonna take a shower, eat a snack (because I think???? I need food???), and then probably play that a little bit more.

bodies r dumb

That sucks! I'm sorry it's not working out. I hope the pain gets better as soon as possible

ow ow o9uch

BOY I'm strugglin' today

I woke up in a lot less pain, which is good! But the absence of pain meant that I could tell just how physically uncomfortable I am; the pain was, in a lot of ways, easier to manage. This morning I was excruciatingly nauseous and generally unwell-feeling, and my stomach is still bloated and just ijgoiahaoigsbdgrsh UNCOMFY

I've played a bunch of Elden Ring and Skyrim to try and distract myself, to the point that I'm now a bit looking-at-screens grumpy, but I'm not sure what else to do because my only options are to do things that require sitting relatively still. I am bad at that! I hate it! I'm frustrated and cooped-up and tired of sleeping and resting and I'm throwing a bit of a tantrum about it! I have used my walking treadmill on-and-off throughout the day to keep myself from going totally bonkers, but I can only manage a few minutes at a time.

I'm not sure what to do. I know lingering in grumpiness is no good, but normally to break out of a funk like this I'd go on a nice long run or something and I, cannot. I am thinking I should push myself to use creative brain rather than keep using video game brain. Maybe I can put on a movie or a good background YouTube and work on some writing? That would let me lay down on the bed and be relatively still, and while I think it'll be a bit of a struggle to use creative brain it might be a struggle that wears me out in a good way instead of in a frustrating one.

Okay, we'll try that. I know this is just something I have to withstand until my body heals, but I am frankly a giant baby about having to rest and hold still and, honestly? I get scared when my body doesn't function the way I want, because I live by myself. Even in the emergency room I was like oh god if I need surgery or have to stay in-patient I'll have to figure out someone to take care of Baby Dog, what am I gonna do, etc. Makes me nervous! I just feel miserable and vulnerable and gross and I'm tired of being tired.

Around 6 PM yesterday I started to feel notably better, which is good! Today I'm nausea-free and the harder parts of the physical discomfort seem to have passed. I'm actually going to return to work today, mostly because if I stay cooped up in my apartment for another day I'll explode (although I think I would actually enjoy the day off, today, since I don't feel like absolute hot garbage, but whevs I'm not made of PTO and need to get back to work if I'm able).

Last night since I was feeling better Sophie and I played a video game together:

It was really fun! It's about $6 on Steam currently and is unique amongst the co-ops I've personally played in that your games do not connect to each other in any traditional way (you don't join a party/team/in-game group/etc.), you literally just both play the game at the same time, choosing either Past or Future, and there are a few check-ins to make sure your progress is synced. The plot was weird and vaguely spooky in ways I found enjoyable! I think if it had tried to actually explain things more I would've liked it less, but it's very take-it-at-face-value which worked for me in this case. I think we cleared it in about 1.5hrs and that was without being in a huge hurry, and I definitely wouldn't mind playing it again with a different role (I was the Past, this time). Apparently you can change the puzzles by selecting a different option in the initial set-up, too!

Anyways, I recommend it if you've got someone you'd like to clear a weird puzzle game with.

also wow does a sudden illness really bring out the toxic "you're not being productive so you have no value" feelings, huh

The other Rusty Lake games are also very fun to play with someone else, though the overarching plot of the whole thing might be too weird for you. But I think they have at least one other free game and it might be a good time to 'what the fuck' at it with Sophie while working through the puzzles together! (Definitely recommend Hotel, the cube series, and Paradox for you, over the others)

mek wrote: ↑Mon Jun 12, 2023 5:52 pm

The other Rusty Lake games are also very fun to play with someone else, though the overarching plot of the whole thing might be too weird for you. But I think they have at least one other free game and it might be a good time to 'what the fuck' at it with Sophie while working through the puzzles together! (Definitely recommend Hotel, the cube series, and Paradox for you, over the others)

Yeah I don't know if I could handle a whole lot weirder than this one was, I have never been able to get the brain-hang of things that get too abstract. My tolerance may be a little higher when I'm playing with someone vs. when I'm playing by myself, though.

I'll definitely check your recommendations out! I enjoyed playing through this one and how it was set up to communicate back-and-forth with your partner. There were a couple of times we had to define if we prefer describing directions of things in compass directions, clock face, etc., and it was interesting.

Okay, about time to leave for work. Hopefully it doesn't hurt too much!

I'm also in a really weird mood I'm having trouble defining; it may be loneliness, I'm not certain. I feel really untethered and unsure of myself.

I pinpointed that a lot of my issue was being, genuinely, a bit untethered! I've had a lot of events/plans get cancelled or had unpleasant things happen lately so I'm in a position where I don't have any events/visits/girlfriend time/etc. planned. It feels like I don't have anything to "work towards," for lack of a better way to put it, when it comes to my personal/social life brain. So I've started making some other plans and that alleviated a lot of the issue. I've also prioritized a few projects and am trying to figure out a way to track the time I spend writing; I want to start treating it like a genuine part-time job and I feel like some manner of clocking in/out for it might help. I'm realizing this sounds like gross capitalism but I just mean in terms of taking it seriously and spending genuine weekly time on it. At the same time, though, I'm not sure if using an entirely separate program/app will add too many steps and put me off doing the thing sometimes.

I dunno! I'll think about it! I am open to suggestion, I know there's some ADHD folks who have The Wisdoms when it comes to task-tracking.