ELSEWHERE

One of the (many) things still bothering me about Nuclear Drama, is that there's a fair number of people who now dislike /me/ that I don't know well enough to dislike myself.

That is, sure, they're blocked and I don't want to work with them or anything, because they said mean shit about me, but I legitimately don't know /them/ enough to actually like/dislike them as people.

This is frustrating, because people are assuming I dislike them or are angry with them or have personal emnity, and I honestly don't. I don't /know/ the person. They reacted to lies told about me by someone else, and have never actually interacted with me, and while I don't like how they treated me, I'm overall pretty neutral on them as humans. But people /think/ I dislike them. Which makes me feel like I have to kind of explain that I don't /know/ them.

I think that matters to me, because in general, I feel weird about disliking people. I want to dislike someone only after I took the time to get to know them enough that I /can/ dislike them. Disliking someone I've not really interacted with ever... that feels weird to me. I know there's nothing wrong with it or anything, and that it's fine to dislike people for whatever reason, but I want to do it because I've worked/talked/interacted with them and don't like how they handle themself, not for some round about reason that doesn't involve me attempting to see who they are and why they are like they are.

I'm in a position where I have to warn people that if they approach others about working with them for one of my projects, they might get met with negative reactions simply because it's for one of my projects. I'm not coming to those people to say "don't work with X person" (mostly), just "X person might be shitty to you if you ask." But that has caused people to reassure me they won't bring people into my project I don't like or who make me uncomfortable.

And in many cases I /don't/ dislike them. Or, not in a real way. I'm uncomfortable with them, because they were kind of shitty, but in quite a few of these cases, I think it's likely they got lied to, too. That they were told incorrect things, and didn't look into them. And sure, that makes them kind of sucky, but also makes them someone who's been manipulated. And yeah, they /should/ have talked to me before making weird, unilateral judgements. And yeah, I probably don't actually want to work with them anyway. But also, I don't really /dislike/ them, because I don't know enough about them to dislike.

And it feels super gross to me that other people will see this as me having animosity to these people. It feels like people are seeing me as being unforgiving (not opening up that whole subject, it's its own thing), and as holding grudges. And yeah, those grudges would be completely just and fair, but I'm /not holding them/. I don't know the people enough to be able to do that.

And so I'm finding myself following up the "you might get a crappy reaction" with "to be clear, I do not know this person, I have never interacted with this person, we've never spoken or worked together, and I legitimately have very little opinion on them as a human at all."

And that's /important/ to me, because so many of the angry people do not know me at all, and have not ever encountered me, or, in many cases, listened to any of my work.

And that matters.

It matters that at least 80% of the blowing up was people who had nothing to do with the situation, to the point of literally not knowing who I was prior to it.

I /need/ that to be seen.

Because it makes me feel like I'm going insane for people to think I'd developed this terrible reputation, rather than what actually happened which was someone stirred shit, and a lot of people jumped on the bandwagon.

(Today I am /very/ having a "what the fuck even WAS this" thoughts, about how people took Strong Moral Stands against me for... standing up for my right to have boundaries around myself, and what projects are connected to me, and use my material. And doing so in very polite terms, in private. And that people destroyed months of work, and tried to destroy more because of that. And that I literally cannot make this any bigger than that unless I just make shit up.)

Ok. Rather than write the above I watched Severance with the Monarch. This was the right choice. But I will write at this tomorrow .

The brain has been trying very hard for thr past 2 days to have cptsd flashbacks. Have mostly avoided them, but that’s a lot harder while falling asleep. Hopefully I can manage.

My hands are bothering me a lot today. They have been for a couple days. I've been really diligent about wearing my gloves, not over-taxing myself, but my joints are just aching.

It's annoying, because their ache is just very very mild, this shadow-ache, but it's so persistent. It's just always there in the background, very slowly draining me. It's not enough that I feel like it should be having an /actual/ effect, but it is all the same. I keep trying to dismiss it, but I can't seem to really do that.

In other, possibly better, news!

I have gotten another referral started to a new therapist, so maybe that'll actually work out. I'm going to approach this one specifically to deal with cPTSD. I feel like that might be the best way to get help with what I actually need. There's a lot of stuff on top of that, but if I can start dealing with the cPTSD stuff, that might let me start to deal with the other stuff.

I really want to try to work on what I am just being willing to call OCD, but I don't want to roll in with that b/c I don't have a diagnosis or anything. The plan is to script some discussion and terms around obsessive and/or compulsive behaviors and intrusive thoughts. I'm hopeful if I come in with discussion of it, but not like... demanding anything...

I don't know. Trying /not/ to get my hopes up, to be honest.

I also am trying to get set up with the same PT the Monarch goes to to maybe help with my hands. That's being its own struggle, that I don't want to even try to go into now.

But! It's the weekend!

So I'm going to eat something, then work on Identity for a while.

Dental stuff.
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Chipped a filling yesterday. Have to go to the dentist tomorrow. Am stressing about it. There’s one spot that just doesn’t want to take a filling correctly. This is like the fourth time I’ve had this spot worked on. I don’t really know what can be done about it, so I just keep hoping it’ll stay ok next time.

Going to go to bed early so I can stop thinking about it.

Sucks. And I hate it.

Yesterday was insurance hell.

Monday, I tried to book an appointment with my dentist. The call center said that the office I go to uses a separate scheduling system. They tried to transfer me, but the other office didn't pick up, so they gave me the direct number. I called that number, got an appointment for Tuesday at 3.

Yesterday, I got a call at 11 saying they were overbooked and canceling my appointment, saying they couldn't get me in for two weeks at least. That the appointment I got was actually from the call center, and they didn't use the same system, so those appointments didn't exist.

Called the dental call center again, managed to get an appointment at a different office at 4pm

Got there. Checked in. Filled out all the paperwork.

Was told they have no record of me having any insurance at all, much less being assigned to their office, so they couldn't see me.

Tried to call the direct number, sent to the call center, they tried to tell me I had an appointment right then at 4. I told them no, that's not actually a place that will see me. They tried to transfer me to my regular office. They didn't pick up. They gave me the "direct number" again which was the one that I had that went to the call center.

This morning, I called again and asked them to transfer me immediately, FINALLY got through. Have an appointment Friday morning. Going to call my actual insurance this morning to make sure everything is ok, because I am in pain and need this fixed.

God I hate health insurance.

So the appointment today was for an exam, not actually to get the work I need done. Which no one told me. Also turns out my insurance only covers fillings once every 3 years, and for some reason doesnt' cover yearly cleanings now?

So I missed work, went to an appointment, spent money, and still have pain. Next appointment is in 2 weeks. So yay.

But I have no more strength or ability to deal with this right now, so I am just going to let it go for the time being.

I am also going to make a not super amazing choice and have excessive alchohol tonight. Possibly. Not sure. I have been being /really really/ mature and good, and I just. I need to stop for a little while. Just a night. And... not. So I'm going to not worry about triggering a migraine, or if I'm being responsible, or if it's a bad choice, or that I probably won't actually /enjoy/ it after the fact and just see about getting properly drunk.

I am ALSO going to bleach my hair very far down, and start some new color experiments. And maybe play drss up with makeup and take new pictures.

Brain is mad, I think? I /might/ just be hungry. I can't tell. I have had an apple and am having some chips and pretzels, so if it's hungry hopefully it will get its shit together and stop. I at at least approaching enough today, so if it /is/ hungry I will be annoyed. Though... I didn't actually eat dinner last night really b/c it tasted gross presumably because coming into Migraine Times.

There's a thing that's been on my mind quite a lot, and I think I am going to talk to myself about it here. Filtering it, because it's personalish stuff, but people on the filter might not want to see it either so...

Going to talk about gender-affirming surgery, specifically bottom surgery here. There's going to be some fairly frank talk about genitals. You have been warned.
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