The Kingdom of Thorns

[knightofcups]

I have other peoples' posts to comment on, and my own posts to write, but I am too tired for self-reflection and/or thoughtful commentary right now. Medical stuff this week and last is wearing me out.

[knightofcups]

Had both an orthopedic appointment and an endo appointment today.

Quite a lot of Stuff with both of them. Don't have the energy to really talk about it.

Having feelings about stuff being upsetting to other people, and guilt for wanting things, and guilt for talking about it, and then guilt for feeling guilty b/c it's my feelings not their and then...

UGH. I need a vacation from existing.

[knightofcups]

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[knightofcups]

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[knightofcups]

Technomancer had to wake me up from dreams that weren’t precisely bad, but also weren’t good.

My nightmare meds are wonderful, but sometimes they make my dream life weird, because my brain twists “nightmare” into “not nightmare” in strange ways.

Someday I should write about what it feels like to be on the nightmare meds when I’m in a dream. It’s honestly kind of weird and cool when coupled with my already-weird dream life shit.

Tonight what it looked like was repeatedly twisting the dream away from overtly bad stuff into a milder version, the dream trying to twist back to bad, then being realigned again. Rinse and repeat.

I am, however, still very tired and it is quarter of four am. So. More sleep. I hope.

[knightofcups]

Alright.

I have finished my intake forms for new therapy, and reached out to the PT person about doing an evaluation for my hands. I have also been responsible about eating enough, even though I am absurdly food-averse right now. Which isn't fun. It's very much a struggle to make me put stuff in my mouth right now, even stuff I like.

Note to futureMe: get stuff for smoothies b/c that seems like something you're up to eat, and you're missing the stuff you need to make them good and actually nutritionally useful.

I feel like I'm missing something I'm supposed to be doing, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it is. It feels like a medical or paperwork thing. I had a call to make for the Monarch, but that got sorted out already. I do need to call in his cat Rx, but I remember that. I scheduled tomorrow's Arcadia ep...

Well. Whatever it is, I do not remember it.

I do have a couple work projects, but they aren't pressing nor time consuming and can get done tomorrow and Monday.

So I guess I should be set to use the rest of my between files to write? Which is nice. I've had bits of this story sitting in my head since last night.

[knightofcups]

Ohhhhhh that's what I am forgetting!!

I need to start updating the records for BSFF with the new information from this season!!! I'm feeling guilty I'm behind on it but haven't wanted to "waste" time doing it!!

THAT's why I feel like it's looming!

Ok. Got it.

So. Write the next scene in Northumbria, then do some adding to records. Then the scene after that. Then records. And so on!

[knightofcups]

I accidentally upsized my nose rings last night, which means my face aches and it's going up into my eye socket which feels kind of like a headache and kind of like I got punched, and just generally sucks.

Today, I am /really/ struggling to remember it's ok to NOT work. I'm not on any deadlines. I don't /have/ to be rushing forward on something.

I really WANT to be working on Identity, but I'm stuck. I need to figure out how to be notstuck.

I think I am going to go put myself in water, and see if that'll un-stick me enough

[knightofcups]

Some interesting brainstuff thoughts today. Talked to myself a bit about them in conjuring Summer, but need to do that with more depth. Need to decide if I want to talk about that stuff in this space, on a filter, or keep it to the more journal-y space.

Not sure yet.

[knightofcups]

Brain is trying SO HARD to freak out right now. I do not want to let it. At all. I hate this. (I'm having a bit of the shame/gluttony mental disgust feelings quite frequently lately and I hate it so much.)

In other news, I submitted all my paperwork to the therapist, but haven't heard back yet about scheduling.