All god damn day, my brain has been going "oh, yay! we're fine! we're very happy! let's be happy and say nice things!" then "fuck you everything is awful you hate everything you are stupid and bad and terrible and should feel bad and you hate everyone else, too, because they suck."
just. back and forth and back and forth.
also got hit very fucking hard with the gluttony/shame thing.
i actually managed to explain it out to Technomancer, the best i've been able to sum it up so far. i'm going to paste that in here.
hella disordered eating bullshit
Ok, my brain is freaking out, can I try to talk this out at you in the hopes it will knock it the fuck off? (nothing to do with you at all, my brain is doing a thing that I really really really hate and makes it super uncomfortable in my head)
(that I do not have a solution for nor know why it does it)
So my brain does this thing where it gets super super super disgusted/ashamed/embarassed about food stuff and stuff that reads "fat" in my brain, and then I am just physically uncomfortable in my head. And that is a god damn cute little baby! But my brain is saying "that is a fat baby we are praising fat things fat things are gross we are glorifying being gross"
and then it starts freaking out about food, and eating, and enjoying food and imagining people making fun of me/us/it for being fat and eating food
And it wants to never, ever, ever talk about eating or see anyone eat, or talk about other people eating ever ESPECIALLY if one is "hiding one's emotions in food" which apparently, to my brain, means "enjoying eating at all"
And all I can think about is how gross it is to need food or to let anyone be aware you need to eat if you aren't tiny-skinny, like why would you be comfortable with people seeing you eating?
But THEN it freaks out with "but if you are hiding eating you KNOW you're doing a thing to be ashamed of"
and THEN I start freaking out that I make you hide food that you're eating, and that I'm somehow making you be bad and unhealthy or that you've got all this stuff that you can't tell me about b/c you're ashamed of it
And it all SUCKS SO MUCH
and then I just feel disgust being in my skin and in my life and like everything is just gross and how dare any of us have bodies, and how dare we eat food we "like" and not just keep it a secret like it should be that we have to, if we aren't tiny skinny people
I hate it so much
Sorry. This one goes in waves. Where I don't have it at all for a long time, and then I can barely think about me, or you, or like... the dog eating
Because I feel like we're like... rewarding ourselves with food when we shouldn't do that, we should just eat what we need to survive and nothing else and it should never ever ever respond to emotions, and you should never have good food for celebrations
I hate that fat animals are cute (even like, the cute fat ones) because that's super likely to set it off
the baby i'm talking about is the picture attached. it's a cute god damn baby. but even looking at it i feel so gross.
the past like... week? maybe two weeks? i have no idea, i have no sense of time right now, i've felt like i'm right on the edge of just utterly breaking down. like i want to just collapse and shatter.
there's a lot of stressors happening now, so there are probably reasons for it, but i want it to STOP.
i hate it, too, because in between there are moments of being entirely fine, happy even, so i make plans, and then the time to do the plans rolls around and i have to force myself to do them or cancel or
today it's probably food again? i have probably not eaten enough? i feel like my body needs me to just always be feeding it or it gets unhappy but THAT triggers the gluttony thing
it's so god damn exhausting. i just want to go to bed and sleep forever.
