Migraine headspace makes me want to create horror.
I think it's the unreality of everything I get when I'm dealing with it.
Annoyingly, I seldom have the /ability/ to do anything with it.
I think one of the reasons I'm so upset right now is that neither the 7 of Cups nor my sister messaged me to say anything for my birthday.
With my sister, I didn't really expect her to. She's just... she doesn't really care, and is fine with me seeing that. It sucks, but it's a normal suck.
But it hurts a lot that the 7 of Cups didn't send anything.
This is the first year she hasn't, at all.
I reached out to her in May, not long after she'd emailed me. And that was just.... it. She never replied. And now she's not said anything on this one, which was a pretty good reason to message.
It sucks a lot. And I am having a lot of feelings about it again.
When I shut her out, it was me choosing to do that. But now she's pretty officially indicated she doesn't actually care to have a relationship with me. Her emails always said she'd do anything to have a relationship again, so I /tried/ and I guess that was just another lie.
I've of course been poking at all the things that hurt and looking up family on facebook.
It's really not making anything suck less.
I feel sad, and hurt. Somehow, getting back in contact with a bunch of Dad's family has made the fact that my mom doesn't actually want me worse. : )
Blah. Ok. Need to accept I am not actually ok. The fact that I wasn't got pushed aside by Everything Else, and my desire to be better than all that. But now that Everything Else seems to have calmed, I am remembering that oh yeah, I'm not ok.
I had forgotten that's what was going on, but stuff doesn't just vanish because you don't think about it or other drama wins.
I am going to just need to be Not Ok for a while, I think.
(I have a potential therapist appointment. I'll confirm that now, just to have it done.)
I'm still feeling dizzy off and on.
And honestly still feeling really sad.
Overall, I'm better than yesterday, but the sad just keeps trying to creep in. It's making it hard to do anything.
Honestly, I think I'm just really burnt out.
Everything seems like it's taking so much work to accomplish, and as soon as one thing is done there's something else. It's just one thing after another after another and there never seems to be a /stop/. And there isn't any end in sight. It's just going to be one thing after and other after another.
I really am trying to stay positive and remember how many good things are going on, and all the things I enjoy and am looking forward to, but I feel like I'm just constantly trying to fix some new problem, and I'm always just a little behind and trying to catch up.
I don't really know what to do about this. I don't know how to rest and refresh myself. I don't feel like I can take a vacation or anything, because there's stuff to do, and whenI come back there will be MORE to do. But also I just... I don't know what else TO do, except whether it.
I'm not being as responsible about house things as I'd like to be, and a lot more work is falling on both the Monarch and Technomancer, and I feel incredibly guilty about it. I'm barely holding up my obligations, let alone the stuff I like to do to make people's lives easier. I'm just so /tired/.
I don't really feel depressed. I mean, a little, but normal reactive depression. I just feel behind and like I can't keep up and am making everyone else shoulder burdens for me. I feel like I am a pain to people, and seeking disproportionate reassurance.
I just want to sleep for a really, really long time.
Hm. The textual misophonia seems to be coming back. It's been a while since I've had that.
God I hate this one, it makes the inside of my head feel so gross.
I haven't had this one for a very long time, but that doesn't seem to be making it any milder this time. I actually seem to have had a few more words added to the list.
For the record, I have my first new therapist meeting next week. So I'm not just not doing anything.
Come on, brain. Get your shit together.
It's fascinating, and... I guess kind of reassuring to me, how things can seem so hard, and overwhelming andtoo much and difficult one day, and then your brain chemistry gets its its shit together and in a day you knock down like five things that have been over-whelming you, and it was super easy, and you're fine.
Yesterday I finished a Twine project I'd been working on, and made it public. Today I was able to proof two scripts, put together organization for the last prep stuff for BSFFS3, AND write the first scene of an episode I am dying to make.
I didn't eat enough today, but even then I'm not so crashed I hate everything. I do not plan to tempt fate and let this be a habit, but still!
Going to go home tonight and make us ribs which I'll finish on the grill, and possibly another pan of brownies, and write some space roller derby.
Don’t have Covid. Do feel sick with a sore throat and headache and it hurts breathing.
Seeing how I feel tomorrow. May stay home. Weirdly, I feel worse now that I’ve laid down.
I have wanted to journal a lot lately, but it’s seemed like too much work. Not in a depressed way, in an initiation barrier way. Annoying.
I should probably be doing some self work, but I’ve felt tired.
Also having headaches.
I’m coming toward the end of my Botox period AND Ajovy period so that is probably why that.
Now I am sleepy though. So sleep now