The Kingdom of Thorns

[knightofcups]

My pharmacy had a fire a few months ago and had to close (which they didn't actually tell anyone till I called to figure out why my refill wasn't going through), but it's back open now and I called in to get some refills done, and it is so nice to have a good pharmacist.

This guy knows my name and stuff, and is just a really cool dude. I'm glad to be back to dealing with him, the other stuff was a huge pain.

[knightofcups]

Also, seems like today's going to be a pain day for my hands.

I think I need to even more fully accept that this is a real thing, and probably on the 'disability" scale. And that the compression gloves aren't so much a nice thing as a necessity if I want to be remotely functional. Which kind of sucks.

I am also still kind of concerned that wearing the gloves all the time might mess something up. The hand surgeon said it was fine, but he also said I didn't really need to do PT and it wouldn't help much. Which seems off, too.

My right wrist and hand are back to being sore pretty much all the time unless they're in gloves, and even then some. I've gotten myself a couple band supports to layer on the gloves to see if it'll help, but I think I need to consider medical intervention again.

[knightofcups]

Migraine day on top of hand pain.

not my favorite day ever.

On the up side, I'm actually getting some work in on Identity. I feel like I /should/ be working on Arcadia, but I need to remind myself we aren't even off hiatus for 2 more weeks, and I have 3 more episodes written/recorded which is /another/ month and a half. I'm allowed to not work on that right now. I'm allowed to create for /fun/.

Another upside is that some people were nice to me today. And I got to listen to more of my friend's show.

[knightofcups]

I slept until 10am today, which is a sign of how badly I've been sleeping. I pretty much wake up at 630 when left to my own rhythm, earlier in summer. Lately, because of where our bedroom is relative to the sun, it's been between 5 and 530. Usually this isn't a problem, and in fact I really prefer it, because I get a lot done before it gets hot, but for the past week and a half, it's meant I'm getting 4-5 hours of sleep which makes me miserable.

So I borrowed Technomancer's eye mask, and when I woke up at 5, stuck it on, and fell back asleep. I am feeling much, much better at just about 8 hours of sleep. While I still need need to get back on track for more than a day, this is a big help in getting my brain put back together.

I'm still dealing with the stress backache that's part of the fallout, which is way worse today. I expected it, but there's not really much I can do about it till it fades on its own, except for stretch and be gentle with it.

I lost a bunch of the morning to sleep, but I actually have enough energy to do things, so that's great. I got a big chunk of my house chores done, including a few I'd let slip last week, and was able to go to the grocery store.

(Aside: I need to decide how I want to talk about household people here. It isn't a /secret/ or anything, I mean, I'd lock things down it if were, but I don't like using actual names if I can avoid it. Think about this.)

Putting up some shelf in Person's room later, and still need to dishes/clean kitchen, and make dinner, but otherwise, I think that's my necessary productivity for the day. We were supposed to have a guest come over to play games and have dinner, but I'm still too close to migraine so we cancelled it to do sometime in the future. Sad, b/c I really want to social, but also it was the smart idea.

I've got some chicken thighs in marinade to bbq for tomorrow, and I'm making a sort of stroganoff-y pork and mushroom thing over buttered noodles tonight. It's nice to feel excited about cooking. A combination of stress, the heat, meds, and migraines has just left me... not food repulsed, but food meh, so I've been having trouble feeding us. Hopefully that's on the downswing too.

But! The plan for the rest of the day, after putting up shelves, is to work on a collage box I'm making or/and Identity, and otherwise chill. Which remains much needed.

[knightofcups]

Just saw a picture of someone I knew in HS with her two kids at the beach by where I grew up, and the sudden sense of /loss/ was just, painfully strong.

I miss my grandma a lot.

Coming up on 5 years since she died, coming up on 4 since I've had any real contact with her side of the family. Some of that's my choice, but most of it is theirs. I attempted make contact and try to rebuild relationships with them about a year after I started transitioning. Emailed my grandpa and my 3 aunts on that side. No one ever replied. One of my aunts called my dad (my parents have been divorced for like 25 years) to yell at him because I put this burden on my grandpa.

In all honesty, it's possible, likely even, that my grandma would have written me off, too, as who I actually am. In some ways, I'm glad she's gone, so I never have to know if that is the case. But also, she's really the only family member I kept reliable contact with since... forever, pretty much. I called her weekly from basically grad school on, with only a couple gaps. We weren't on the same side politically, and it would probably be a problem now, but it was so good to have someone who actually cared about me, and remembered things that were going on, which neither of my parents ever did.

She used to take my sister and I to the beach in the summer. So the combination of seeing that, and the way summer feels right now... it's just reminding me of her.

I think I'm going to take the degree of emotions I feel right now as a sign I need to lay down and get some more rest

[knightofcups]

I need to go to the doctor for my hands, especially my right one. I'm really concerned about how little use they are, and how sore they get so quickly. I was using my right one to use tongs for like... not even 10 minutes, and it got too sore and weak to continue at all.

I'm going to see if I can figure out how to approach the doctor about it again. This isn't really sustainable.

[knightofcups]

Being at work today is a trial.

Nothing particularly /happening/, it's just a day I do not want to be here. Low-grade headache, haven't been eating enough, back still messed up from stress, so just a lot of body discomfort and general malaise.

BUT! I have the last recording session for one of my projects tonight, and then it is /done/ and ready to be edited! So that's cool.

And after that I should have spare time/brain to work on Identity.

So I'm going to call today net positive.

[knightofcups]

Brain suddenly very mad. Feeling frantic and desperate.

no reason to, no reason for anything to be going on. Not sure why I am.

Very much have the desire to run and/or hide and/or sleep forever.

not sure what of use i can do.

[knightofcups]

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[knightofcups]

Headache. Should have done the monthly injection today, but forgot so I have to do it tomorrow. Have been just so tired lately. Hoping to sleep a bunch this weekend. Need to think at some stuff, cut it seems way too hard.

Sleep, and hopefully not have headache tomorrow so I can work and not be miserable.