The Kingdom of Thorns

[erikavonkaiser]

I'm not sure how the locked posts thing works when quoted so I will both not quote and be vague, but I think that reflection makes sense. I know as I've gotten more comfortable with myself I've felt more of a need and desire to be private, and to try and decide if I actually want to disclose something or if I'm fulfilling some need to overshare/be vulnerable on main/approval-seek. I've spent so long working on expressing myself and not bottling everything up that it's like ... damn okay but now we have to balance this and think about it

[knightofcups]

try and decide if I actually want to disclose something or if I'm fulfilling some need to overshare/be vulnerable on main/approval-seek.

This makes a lot of sense, yeah, and I think I might need to try to look at it this way. It's just very hard.

(This one is locked to forum members because it isn't private but I also don't want the interested parties able to just stumble into it.)

[knightofcups]

Brain very, very mad

[knightofcups]

I am having a fair bit of emotional burnout I think. I probably should work on processing it, but part of that burnout is that I'm god damn exhausted.

But I had my reproductive health exam today, and my general physical, and that went well and is done. I really like my GP, which is nice. I haven't had a doctor I like in... probably years. Also she gave me muscle relaxants for my back which is nice too. So I am probably high or something right now.

I haven't been eating enough, which is a problem I need to fix, but it's hard especially when I'm so tired.

I need to remember that when I'm not tired, and no upset, and doing ok, stuff isn't nearly this hard. I need to remember that.

[knightofcups]

I am also angry.

[knightofcups]

i am so incredibly tired.

[knightofcups]

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[knightofcups]

Should probably apologize into the world for the stream of consciousness rage yesterday. Did help to to give it voice though.

I called out of work today, because I just. I needed a break. So I am home. I have been working on Identity and doing a marathon re-watch of the Paranormal Activity movies.

I really want to keep working on the game, but I know I will feel better if I lay down and nap for a while, so I'm going to do that now.

[knightofcups]

I really like that I live with both my loved ones. There are some rough spots, and some stuff that doesn’t work perfectly, but it is so so so wonderful.

I feel selfish because I’m the one that gets the best of the deal. The Monarch and Technomancer both have to accommodate people they aren’t together with. But even feeling selfish, it’s just such a wonderful, joyful thing.

I never figured I’d be in the position. Not the multiple relationship. I kind of always thought I might end up in something like this. It’s one of my ideal relationship/community forms. But I figured I’d be a spoke, not a hub. I never expected two people to like me enough to be willing to live with me and someone else who liked me. Or to just be ok with stuff in general to live like this.

I feel guilty about being in the center of it quite a bit. Guilty in a passive, low-key way that I’m willing to live with, but still guilty. But also happy. And the other gentleman tell me frequently that they are not unhappy. It’s just strange to know that. Nice. But strange.

Anyway. There are ways and places I’d like the Freehold to work a little better or more smoothly, but I just love both these men so much. I know there’s been a fair bit of complaining lately, and some hurt and sadness, but god, I just do love both of them wish such intensity, and am so very happy. And glad to be working toward being happier and healthier , with both of them.

[knightofcups]

I really do marvel at living in a pretty damn functional polyam household. Like. We don’t just talk about the thing, we do the thing. And that’s kind of amazing to me. I’m proud of all of us.