I'm really angry right now.
Honestly, the degree of anger is excessive, and out of proportion with the situation, I think. Even being aware of that, though, I'm still just /angry/.
Some of it is, yeah, that he's loud and messy and really fucking attention demanding. But I think the big thing is that I feel held hostage creatively, now.
I /can't/ end working relationships with people on my end, especially not so soon, because it will just look like i'm driving everyone away. I'm in this position where I'm stuck with poor choices I made before, that I didn't know were poor choices, because I can't be seen to have weaknesses, or to look like I'm shitty to work with.
Most of this is my fault. I /did/ make those choices, and they weren't fantastic ones. But I didn't /know/ that at the time. I had some things I suspected weren't great, but even that....
And I feel like I'm being held to this fucking /impossible/ standard. I feel like I'm being asked to never make mistakes, and to know the outcomes of things so far before they happen. I feel like I have to be endlessly friendly and accomodating, and bend over backward for everyone.
And fuck, I mean, I guess that's on me too, becuase I am choosing to make projects with others. If I just worked by myself, this wouldn't happen. And I guess this is the price you pay for working with other people. And that makes me angry too, I guess, but at myself, because I should be smarter than this.
I don't really know when I fell into this midset that it was good to work with other people? But I have been acting like it, and that's meaning I have to face the consequences of that. Which I don't like. And I'm mad at myself for not liking it.
I'm trying not to fall into this depressive "oh, I deserve it" slump, but it's honestly kind of hard becuase I /did/ invite this and /did/ start it. And I also know I'm not good at making or keeping friends, so it's kind of one of those... what did I expect, I guess.
It all just... I feel stuck, and angry, and my feelings are still really hurt, and I want there to be /consequences/ for people other than me for being assholes.
And it sucks and hurts me how many people are still willing to work with, but more, be /friends with/ people who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy.
Obviously, I didn't expect anyone to kick anyone out of their spaces, but it still sucks seeing it reinforced that they're just as friendly as they were with these people /after/ they tried to torpedo everything I've made. I especially am angry about the person who pulled her FINISHED project from a thing, and is still being treated by people in that thing like she's just totally fine. It was such a fucked up thing to do, and it didn't even hurt /me/. It hurt someone else, associated with me. And people I respect(maybe) and work with are stilljust being totally socially normal with her. And the person that was just so personally insulting and cruel about /me/... that's one of the biggest reasons I'm angry with the person I'm angry with. Because he's just... like. He /saw/ the horrible, hurtful things that were said, and he's still just being friends with.
I don't understand how people can stay friends with people who have showing, outright, they are horrible people.
And I also know I have no right at /all/ to be angry about or police who people are friends with. It is just baffling to me that they're still willing to be. And I feel hurt, even though it has nothing to do with me.
I do also think I'm hitting a bit of a chemcial/hormonal low point. Will probably need to start doing lights within the next week or so. THis isn't /all/ that, but that does make it work.
I feel angry, and I want people to be angry with me and say mean things and tell me I'm right, and good, and fine, and people are being horrible and they suck a lot.
